Two of Hearts for the night owls.

Terceira Sessao
Questions, questions and more questions, an infinite stream of doubts lost in the space of an empty room, the more i tatter trying to find something to hold on to the more doubts i find. This room is tar black, empty, majestic.

I desperately try to find a guideline in this gigantic dark room, but there is no visible path here. There are no objects, no furniture and most of all… there is no one else. Alone in this darkness i scavenge through ambiguous memories not finding any clue. But… a clue for what? For this new denomination called Gender Dysphoria? For the reason i Was born a male? I have no idea.

Amidst this chaos i struggle to find the real me, male life isn’t as draining as it was at some point and i’m actually being able to take it somewhere, but its important to say that as a male i’ve given up on any chance of having a real relationship or an active sexual life. I seek not what other males my age do i don’t want a superficial woman that will just rely on me to be her support pillar, financially and emotionally, for forever!

As confliting as it sounds i do not seek what most women my age seek too! A handful boyfriend that will “treat me like a princess and f*** me like a w**** “. I seek a bond, a connection, a relation of give and take that relies on truth and partnership. The feeling of being deeply connected to someone by a mysterious synergy. A connection that makes me feel less alone in this big world. Drifting my mind a little and setting the denial mechanism off i realize that i am ONE person among almost seven billion others. One tiny, insignificant human. But still i feel special, unique.

How is it even possible?!

One to be unique among such a huge mass of humans.

Also there is the fear that i might be destroying my life if i try to transition, thinking that it invalidates my genes and all my past experiences, i WAS born a male, there is no doubt to that. But why do i have these feelings? Why do i feel better when putting on women’s clothes and, even for a little while, pretend i was born as one?

I despise myself for not being like the other men around me, i should want what they want and have aspirations like them. That is the way my gender tells me to be! But still i have those strong thoughts, thoughts that think womanly, thoughts that want to dress up and go out to meet other people, thoughts that race when i see a cute dress or when i find someone attractive.

When men look at a dress when walking by a store they might think “Oh! I’d love to see a woman wearing that.” Then walk past it and move on with their lives, i think differently. I’d think how cute the dress is, look for its price, notice the details and imperfections “oh there is a misalignment on that part of the print” or “oh this fabric is too thin for this kind of dress, I’d have to wear something underneath it” unfortunately I was given the stereotypical male body, my shoulders are broad and my hips are tiny, so I’d probably not fit in the dress I was looking at, but still I think about it. Still I feel like I could be pretty wearing something like that. And that is what depresses me. If I am really a male why do I have those thoughts? I don’t want this, I want to be like any other man and live a normal life. I don’t want to disappoint my aging parents and really don’t want to stress them more than they already are. They have their own problems to deal with! Why do I have to be one more?

I can’t continue like this… This insecurity and distress are horrible. This is no way to live, going through my days as a boy, feeling as a girl and having to hide my feelings from the ones I hold dear.
If I was given the option of being reborn as a woman keeping my feelings, memories and scars from this lifetime but limited to half the lifespan of a human, I’d take it without a doubt. Not because i like to wear cute things so much, not because i want to be treated like a woman, but because I’d feel better with myself, I would live happy and fulfilled because of who I am.

Unfortunately I wasn’t given such option. And I fear that if I try to create this option artificially It might end up worse than before

“what if I don’t pass?”

“what if I can’t get my voice to a high enough Pitch? “

“what if I can’t act upon what Is expected of me?”

Those doubts make me uneasy because they are plausible and likely to happen still it can be solved with a lot of practice, but i can’t know for sure if any of this will happen if i don’t get some visceral day-to-day experience.

The lack of someone who I can bond with leaves me alone in this, alone and scared. Frightened. a stray hare that wants to escape from the safety of its den, where will I land? That my friend, no one knows.

What am i?

Hello again Mr. Reader!

If you’re an avid visitor i’d like to say thank you very much for reading my ramblings! If not i’d like to say welcome~ I hope you like what i write and i hope it is helpful to you as much as it is to me!

This is my third post in this blog so i think its time for some explanation on my GD.

Knowing what is Gender Dysphoria is new to me, after nineteen years of a strange, disconnected, melancholic life i’ve finally found a term that can probably summarize and correlate most of what i felt during my life. But do not be deceived by my young age! I am not some brainless young adult you can find anywhere. I take pride in being rational and reasonable, even when i have to present as a male!

One of the questions i’ve been asking myself lately is if i am right to go on in my pursuit for happiness, I have not been clinically diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria yet, my therapist (not a gender specific one, there are none for at least 300km) didn’t say anything about it. But i think we’re progressing towards it! There are times that i think this pursuit is just a selfish endeavour… You see i am not one of those lucky girls that have understanding relatives that would simply agree and support me if i decide to change my physical body, quite the opposite in fact. Another problem is the lack of GLBT groups in my region, i am and feel totally alone in this!

 

 

On a somewhat unrelated topic: For you anime-watchers and manga-readers out there check this series up: ” Hourou Musuko “

Its about a boy that wants to be a girl, and a girl that wants to be a boy, it is pretty funny but with a lot of content!

The Mirror, Real and Imaginary

“How can one know if its her looking back at the mirror? Who is the real one? Is there a real one?”

Today was my first appointment at a psychologist.

He isn’t a gender specific psychologist, unfortunately! But i could let out some of my frustrations and thoughts, it has helped me organize and classify my memories, “Which memories are real?” “Which memories are fake?” “What do i really feel?” “Where do i want to take all of this??” are important questions that are going through my mind right now. A lot of my memories are mixed up in this time space continuum, i can’t pinpoint them as being from a specific year or date. I only know they are real, but…. are they? Im having a hard time separating the real memories from memories that i twisted to protect myself from my own feelings.

As hard as it might be for me i am sure there are other people that faced this and took care of it easily, everyone is different! And so am i. 

Thank you for reading this, Mr. Reader!

Kisses

Rin~

 

The Crossroads

“Hereby i stand amidst the chaos, surrounded by voices echoing unintelligible words”.

Hi Mr.Reader my name is Rin i’m Brazillian  and i suffer from GD. I’m glad you are here reading (obviously) my tales and taking a sip in the sorrow filled cup that is my life at this very moment. Be mindful that what i write here are thoughts and experiences so there can and will be personal facts (which are carefully chosen for disclosure).

Only soon i’ve realized that most of my suffering in these hard, dreaded nineteen years of life is caused by a condition known as Gender Dysphoria. Altho i did not show signs of wanting to be of the other sex when i was a kid i knew something was wrong, something just did not seem right with me. From an early age i learned that i had to hide my feelings from everyone around me so as not to hurt them, or shame myself.

Fast forwarding a little to my teen years, i always felt disconnected from everyone else. I couldn’t bind with anyone and didn’t know why! I used to have platonic crushes on girls (i know, silly me) which only led to depression and social retirement, i still had some friends and they are dear to me even now! But the world was just too much and i had depressive, suicidal thoughts almost every day. This phase kept going until i hit high school where i finally had a “real” relationship (with a woman)  it didn’t last long and i was swept back into darkness. In my mind i was questioning myself over and over again, “What is wrong with me?”;”Why can’t i feel connected to anyone?”;”Why do i hate myself?”;”Why do i find my body so ugly?” (i hated my body so much that i couldn’t even look at my face in the mirror). Some questions linger even to this day. Not being able to answer these questions i built walls around my true self hiding it in the darkest corners of my mind and started to observate and  mimic what other boys at my age did just so i could keep on living (altho i thought that it was pointless), i had no hope to ever have a relationship and expected just to pass day after day as a mindless zombie only reacting to external stimulus and choosing the easiest routes.

Somehow i still could crawl out of my shell every now and then, when i was totally alone at home (my paren’ts house), resulting in me crying for hours and hours for no reason. I started to scavenge my childhood for something happy, tangible that i could use when i needed something, someone to be there for me. Remembering that i used to watch Sakura Card Captors anime on TV i started my research on the subject, “Finally!”, from that day onwards i was almost addicted to Animes, i spend a lot of time watching them and even own a Dakimakura! My favorite genres are all relationship oriented, i like cheesy love stories, sometimes with a little bit of action (Fate/Stay Night), or just plain girly stuff (Kodomo No Jikan). The thing is, i wasn’t only watching animes because it was something that reminded me of the happy days of my childhood, i could relate to the actors inside these stories! Let me give you a little insight on my favorite Animes, Fate/Stay Night is about a war between magical beings (Servants, which are heroes from the past) for the possesion of the Holy Grail which is said to grant the wish of the person who touches it, Servants alone can’t exist in the present world they need to be Summoned by a magician (a human that has a magic circuit) using an artifact that relates to the hero (like a piece from the heroe’s tunic) the main heroine of the series is Saber, she is determined polite and serene taking well thought decisions and planning winning strategies, still she has an other side that is passionate and shy thinking that her “manly” (little boobies, strong figure) body would never please a man and that she’d remain alone all her life. Kodomo No Jikan is centered around the love between a girl (really young girl called Rin) and her teacher (Daisuke), the diferential is that the girl has a really dark past, her father had rejected the baby and told her mother that she should have an abortion which led to the break of the relationship, the mother decided not to abort and instead to raise the girl alone, at the same time there was a boy (Reiji) with an alcoholic father that abused his mother and him, the mother was weak and couldn’t react in order to protect her child. This boy lost both parents at the same time in a car accident at the beginning of the series, instead of being sent to foster care the boy was offered a chance to live with his (not blood related) aunt. The Aunt is Rin’s Mother. When Rin lost her mother, her emotions were gone and she was living like a mindless zombie, only passing through the days. Her personality is that of an adult woman, she’s sexy, determined and polite but with a childish touch, the series revolves around the love tension that exists between Rin and Daisuke.

My head hurts badly now, remembering all those little fragments from my past brings out a lot of emotions, i’ll type the rest of this post later!

Thank you very much for reading this.

Rin~